Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
You Might Also Like
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.