We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.