If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Tastes like chicken.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*