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im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.