A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]