You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.