ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
It’s an epidemic…
japanese corn
(yawn)
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name