WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.