if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You Might Also Like
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day