[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Care for your back
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.