Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Discuss
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*