I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I think the cat got the dog high.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.