This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol