(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
This is Sparta
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally