I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Nose
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.