Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
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I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”