Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.