Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Not recommended for beginners.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
it must be school picture day
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.