4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
just pretend nothing happened
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate