[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Breaking news:
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Rooting for the overdog
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.