Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
sin harder.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?