give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
my name if I was in the mob
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?