Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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….
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“Oh god wait.”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I’m too immature for adultery.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.