sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
You Might Also Like
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Clients after you give them your rates
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.