Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
she has a point
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
And now we wait
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler