[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My circle of trust is a meatball
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.