Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”