“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
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“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy