[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.