Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Very good! 👍😂
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Selfie
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
My birth announcement for our third baby
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.