if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.