All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
What flavor cupcake are these
Noah
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.