Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
How software testing works
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem