[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
also my go-to takeaway order
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.