I think I’ll stand
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Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.