14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Yup
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*