Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.