ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill