Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
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I know yoga isnāt supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Now that weāre divorcing,
Iām definitely not finishing that scarf Iāve been knitting you for nine years
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and theyāre like āSorry oceanās closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!ā
āWho made that decision?ā
āOur SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!ā
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Email I meant to send – āI will touch base with you next weekā vs the email I sent – āI will touch you next weekā
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing šš¾
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didnāt answer his message and then he got upset I didnāt answer his messageā¦ and yāall say women are weird.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
š¶ It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie š¶
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
If youāre feeling this, thatās normal. Take it easy ā¤ļø
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT IāM AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.