Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Lol.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
#Thanos #MondayMood
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
What fresh Hell is this?!?