FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
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Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”