The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
jesus christ confetti not now
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact