I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
#Caturday
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.