Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.