You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
very niche meme I made
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.