I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
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Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”