me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
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No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet