My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign