“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.