I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
So that’s what we looked like?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*